Blank

I Have the time to blog and have absolutely nothing to write about.  My mind is just blank.  Aside from my inability to produce words in this venue, I think this is overall a good thing.  I am not saying I am in great or good place, but I can't say I am in a bad place either.  I am just in limbo.  My evil alter ego, Evil Cecil, has been on vacation for quite some time.  That's good, but the other side is gone too.  Where has the bubbly, silly, brainless Craig been?  I miss him.  I'm wondering if this is a stop to the pendulum swing.  It that a good thing?  Have I matured? Meaning: silly Craig gets into trouble, lures people into thinking he is a pushover or says/does regrettable things ---- and Cecil has to step in to protect Craig, clean up the situation and/or show remorse.  I don't know.

Could I be happy in the middle?  I could certainly do without being sad or angry or anxious.   Only time will tell.  My CEO always says something interesting about being on meds and why people who need meds choose not to take them, despite consequences.  He says, you only feel like a [insert issue] when you are on your meds, when you are off your meds, you feel normal (despite not acting normal).  By now, I suppose I need to state for the record ---- I AM NOT on meds and I am not off my meds.  This isn't the issue at all.  I am just being introspective because I have nothing better to do; any of us, being overly introspective, can tap into the crazy.... the dark side of our psyche.  [This analogy is much more clear in my mind than I can put to puts]

Now that's funny.  I talk about tapping into the dark side, but this all started because I am in the neutral grey.  I certainly don't miss the dark, but I do miss the light.  The question is, can I have one without the other?  I'm not sure many people can.  Perhaps, it is merely seeing shades of light in the grey.  Perhaps it is more of what has suppressed the dark.  What do I think I am doing right?  Running more, enjoying the newness of my new place, staying financially organized, keeping busy with OnDemand television, remembering my mother's smile and how cute she was, taking fewer risks.  What can get me to the next level?  Reading more, hanging my art and finally completing my apartment, exercising a bit more (perhaps undertaking an activity such as soccer or karate or tennis), getting caught up at work (if this is even possible).  I also should be taking more risks.  Risks can lead back to the dark, but cold produce more light.  What risks am I avoiding?  There are two that come to mind.

First, I've got to take more risks at work.  I've been working under the "if you don't play, you can't lose mentality.  I've been doing this to remove myself from the drama and fly below the radar.  That was and is currently necessary.  It is too crazy and volatile right now in the office - so many changes, so many new faces and a battle for power and responsibility.  I am not in a position to get involved in that and I don't want to right now.  I'm not gunning for the top... and I am okay with not doing so right now.  However, I know my life goals and ambition and I know that I want to be relevant and respected and I'll eventually have to reenter the game.  For, those who don't play, can't win either.

Second, I'll have to soon put my heart back out there.  I am not really sure how to do this.  I have mastered the art of friendship, but I wonder how to make myself "that guy."  I can do this, I know it.    I am just realizing that I cannot be so passive.  It has been my experience and it is time to acknowledge that a girlfriend will not simply "fall out of the sky."  That would be nice.  I may need a little Evil Cecil for this though.  Girls love to be friends with Craig, but I feel like anything that has grown to more has always involved Cecil.  All of the books on this subject speak to why...But I want a nice girl who wants a nice guy and that's all I'll say on this subject.

Wow, I've just written a bunch of nothing.