Over-Analyzing is not the Language of Love

“Go with the flow” is the easiest and most-common advice to give. “Go with the flow” is great advice to receive because it is easy to understand and appreciate because it is oh-so-simple and practical. “Go with the flow” is also a great affirmation. I often reprimand myself in the mirror for being a suck-bag and promise that I am going to just chill. Then why is it so impossible for me to go with the flow? Perhaps my first mistake is looking in the mirror to coach myself into going with the flow, or praying in Mass for the strength to go with the flow. People who go with the flow don’t talk about it – they certainly don’t blog about it, pray about it, or obsess about it – they just fucking chill (or go buy a fat bag of Pineapple Express) and then tell people like me --- “just go with the flow.”

So is that it? Am I a lost-cause? Will I never be able to go with the flow for the fact that by going with the flow, I will have done so deliberately? I don’t think so. I don’t plan to focus on going with the flow. That’s the end; I need to work on the means. What is stopping me from going with the flow? Countless things?!?! Hopefully not. Anyway, there are a few things that will get me back to the yellow brick road.

First, let’s be real – I’m not that far off. I would guess that 90 percent of everyone I know would describe me as one who goes with the flow. Are they mistaken? Are they not Jedi? No, they are mostly right. I say I go with the flow on most things. When I make plans with people, I TRULY AND HONESTLY don’t care what we do. I really don’t care what I eat or when I eat. I don’t care whether I can rock my Yankee cap and some flip-flops or if it is black tie. It doesn’t much matter who will be there or what time I need to be up the next morning. If you need something from me or need to talk, it doesn’t matter that I have a final the next day or a big paper due or a big work deadline. If my father wants to die a week before a Monday Rice-Evidence final and a Tuesday Securities Regulation final [and if you were around me during that time, you know I’d say ---“yes it sucks that my dad* passed away during finals (or that my dad passed away untimely at all), but it is what it is.”], so be it. I am not cold-hearted, I just understand that there is nothing I can do about certain situations and just roll... Finally, most people know if you were to approach me and tell me that you have a drinking or drug problem, you cheated on your girlfriend/boyfriend, are filing for bankruptcy, or headed to jail for securities fraud – I wouldn’t judge, I probably wouldn’t even blink I’d simply say “where’s the body?” and offer to help you bury it.

Be that as it may. It is true. I am chill and can’t be fazed. Then why is my boss dead-on accurate when she says “you are very deliberate.”? Or, when my boss and I are arguing over some edits and I say “I didn’t know that” and she replies “well you should, Mr. Perfection.” Do I come off that way? Oh shit, is my boss a Jedi? She might be. Hmm. Good to know. Further, how is it that I’ve never fallen in love or even come close. Did I get an email five weeks ago with a simple line embedded in the middle of a paragraph “we shouldn’t try too hard at this point.”? Did I come off that way? I must watch that - and that is what this is all about. I fail at love because I fail to go with the flow.

Beyond family and friendships, there are two things very important to me – career and love. I may succeed at career by failing to go with the flow – it has yet to be determined. Perhaps I possess all of the attributes to succeed (be labeled an asshole, but perhaps succeed) --- I am [or COULD be] a controlling, manipulative*, perfectionist who loves things exactly as I want them and everything immediately. I obsess over every little detail, and over-analyze everything. I then smile and joke and pretend not to care. I am really good at pretending not to care most of the time. Humor mixed with passive-aggressive behavior helps a lot. But sometimes it shows when I am under extreme deadline or something non-work related has worn me down, detracting from my ability to mask. It shows slightly when I am working like a demon-possessed and someone taps me on the shoulder or calls my name and I jumped like Scarface after he has snorted, literally, a mountain of ya-yo Or, apparently, I have a death-stare. Or, apparently (and I need to watch this because someone called me on it last week), I play dumb when I don’t agree.

But love, NO, NO, NO. I can’t do it that way. This has been an epiphany in the making for ONLY the last week* or so. Thus, this is a new concept for me and it will be hard to articulate, but I’ll just write. Here’s the deal - finding love (I mean this word generally, not literally – at least not literally yet –I mean finding out what it is and allowing it to happen or not happen) is very important to me. With this I saw finding love as winning and not as losing, thus I have traditionally tried to control it. Why not? I mean I control other things that are important to me in this regard – my reputation, what people think of me, what people know about me, what people say about me --- CE? Anyone? Bueller?

(This is likely the result of attending a small high school, small college, and even law school. But people from Kenyon and American, at least, will contend that I showed up to school that way --- so digging deeper, perhaps I can say that there are too many gossips in my own-damn-family, or perhaps I have trust issues stemming from being from a single-family home. Who knows? I’ll figure that out later.)

BUT LOVE IS NOT A GAME. At least it is not about winning and losing in the way I am thinking about games. And even if it is, not everyone is playing. What does this mean? It means that not every text message, voicemail, email, or delay-or-lack-thereof should be read and reread, and reread, and reread, and analyzed for some hidden message or residue of an agenda. It means that if someone is not available, or busy, or stressed, or tired, or whatever, they are simply that. And if it is not, it is not. What does this mean? I think over-analyzing, and controlling, and manipulating and general game play is spawned from lack of confidence.

So what if someone says they are busy as a pull-tactic or to create false demand or because they are simply “not that into you”, or if they have a hidden message, or they are playing games with you? So be it. Confidence trumps the game. Consider this similar to the notion of kids at play… One kid is nitpicking at another kid (for any given reason, it doesn’t matter) ---- the nitpicking kid will continue this so long as he gets a reaction out of the other kid. My brother was a nitpicker, and he used to drive me ape. My mother, always ready with advice, would simply advise – “ignore him, he’ll stop.” Of course he didn’t stop immediately, but eventually, if his nitpicking was TRULY not bothering me, he would stop. I say “truly” because pretending not to care doesn’t get the job done, it is transparent (at various levels depending on the opponent). Thus, confidence must be the fountainhead.

And what about lack of confidence? Um, do I really need to say? Lack of confidence is a deal-breaker. I’m not saying that having confidence will guarantee success in life, love, work, sports, crossing any big-apple street, but lack of confidence is certainly not attractive in love, will result in middle-management at work, failing to take the big shot in sports, and will get you honked-at-if-not-killed in Manhattan.

So what are the take-aways regarding work and love? Well, I still think both require effort. Certainly neither can be fully compared to the way I handle my friendships, family life, or social activities. Maintaining a family and social life are second-nature much like breathing. We don’t forget to breathe…but this comparison is deliberate…. I recently learned that while we don’t forget to breathe we often can forget how to breathe correctly. Sometimes with family and friends and managing a social calendar --- especially in the big city --- we must stop, breathe in through the nose filling first the stomach, then the diaphragm, and then the upper lung and slowly release in reverse order – this is the way we breathe when we sleep… Minor maintenance during rough/stressful times is something necessary.

Love and work require increased effort, but the trick is not to forget to be oneself. Thus, at work, I’ll give a go at some new advice my boss just shared. She said it would be good for me to continue to work hard and to take pride in my work, but to be careful not to become too emotionally-tied to my work-product. I can certainly disagree, but not become “contrary.” At the end of the day, if I am asked to delete a slide, I must delete the slide. Save all versions, of course, but do not try to sneak the same slide through a second-or-third draft.

With love, the goal is to be myself and be confident about who I am and what I am doing. If I want to call to say hello, call to say hello. If I think it would be fun to go throw a Frisbee in the park, suggest it. If I don’t necessarily have a plan, but I just want to see the person, say so. If the person can’t take your call, or doesn’t like Frisbee, or whatever, it might not be personal.

I think it is fair in courtship to shuffle around plans or make a little extra effort to be available – this shows the person you are interested. But you shouldn’t change who you are, abandon your friends, flake on already-established plans, or wait around for the other person to call you. First, doing so could lead to over-exposure, or make you look completely “whipped,” or lead to resentment if the other person isn’t putting in the same or similar effort. Certainly a balance must be maintained here, and it does take some thought and initiative -- especially in the beginning --- but thought, initiative, and maintaining balance should NOT be score-keeping.

Additionally, it is fair to open up and risk being hurt. Let’s be honest, far from every relationship works out. It sucks. And if you open yourself up and get hurt, it sucks even more. However, to succeed you must put your chips on the table. The Croupier might rake your chips away, odds are he will. But what if your number is called (Black 13, bitches) and your chips aren’t on the table? Nothing for you; you will fail at love (long term) if you don’t open yourself up. Believe me, no matter how good you are at wearing masks, your love-interest can and will pick up on the fact that you haven’t opened up and she will bounce, guaranteed. Besides, I recently heard a line --- think it was in the movie Definitely, Maybe --- that provides a little solace…It is simply “if you open the door [for someone] you never know who might walk in.” Hot.

Finally, while you shouldn’t over-analyze, obsess, control, and manipulate, you shouldn’t be foolish either. Definitely look for signs that the other person doesn’t have your best interest at heart or that the other person might not be that interested. Conventional wisdom says you can avoid games, etcetera, by creating an open dialogue with your love-interest. I can see the point in that, but think it is too convenient (see putting in effort, above) and truthfully I think it is fucking lame. What’s the conversation supposed to sound like? “Do you like me?” LAME. “Am I a good kisser?” LAME. “Are you dating someone else? LAME AND INSECURE. “Where is this relationship going?” TOO SOON. Certainly those are questions you would like the answer to, but hopefully those are questions the other party will answer, naturally – or the conversation will come up naturally.

In the meantime, the most important question that needs to be answered, once you’ve established or concluded that you are interested, is whether the other person is interested as well. I think asking this question too soon is a deal-breaker, but waiting for the answer too long can be a waste of time. A very wise friend in undergrad once taught me an invaluable courtship strategy. She was ESL and had to translate, but the translation amounted to: “push, pull, push, push, pull.” In the beginning you show interest, the initial push, but early on you don’t want to be too pushy, so you back off. If the person is interested (or hooked) they will come toward you when you back away. Once you know they are interested and they have betrayed this fact to you, you must put in extra effort to make sure they know you are sincere and to also increase exposure so you know whether the two of you mesh well. At some point, however, you must know whether or not your efforts are holding the relationship together or whether it is something that has been bound and thus will sustain itself. This is the reason for the final pull. To give perspective, most relationships don’t last much beyond the initial push-pull-push and there is no set timeframe to follow --- it must be natural (hmm, a natural process --- oxymoron, anyone?).

Anyway, be confident and pull. If you like the person, you hope they will show interest and come toward you. If not, well, there you go.

I think I am done writing now. This subject is wearing me the hell out. I welcome any and all feedback.

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DISCLAIMER

Touched on a few too many touchy things, not to disclaim a few:

*I loved my father.

* I do not manipulate my co-workers; despite my personal ambitions, I am a great team player and am all about both the golden rule and paying it forward.

* No one individual should read into this, I am speaking as generally as possible.

* Timing is a pure coincidence. I have wanted to write on this subject for years! (Though I know I said that many of these concepts are new to me, as of the last week or so)

* I really, really apologize for the length.

* I am very aware that I have violated many grammar rules in this entry – especially usage of the passive voice, lack of paragraphing, and a gross misuse of 1^st and 3^rd person.

* I am aware of how anal this disclaimer is.